What if we were all like Google?

Since creating, launching and managing search campaigns (mostly on Google) is how I make my living, I’ve been trying really hard not to blast the hell out of Google for its latest dubious Adwords improvements.

I’m clearly not happy based on some previous blog posts, but I’ve been giving Google the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they really do want to have better search results for their users. Maybe they really are acting in our best interest (as advertisers) when they penalize us for poor quality - even if we don’t think it’s poor. Plus there’s all the information they do give us - like the search query report (*ahem* USELESS) and the ability to have ads up and running instantly (if we don’t mind paying $5.00 or $10.00 for arbitrary quality penalties).

But, well, now I’m mad (based on a series of off-putting emails from one of my reps) and when I get mad, I get snarky. And what are blogs for if not a little snark?

It must be nice being Google. Here’s a fun list.

If I were Google I’d…

• Increase my fees by 100 - 1000% overnight. Then when my clients complained I’d tell them it was for their own good. The fee increase would only be in place until they improved the quality of their business model. I wouldn’t give specifics on how to better increase it (don’t want anyone cheating!) - but I’d develop a list of guidelines they could painfully try to interpret (e.g., “no blue in the logos, make sure you link to cool stuff on your home page, don’t use the word “cheese” EVER, etc.”)
• I would consider lowering my fees if the changes had been made to my satisfaction (isn’t that nice of me?). This would occur during my review process which I would claim happened “regularly” (e.g., every one to 360 days).
• I would create an exhaustive database of guidelines and rules which I’d label “help” and direct all clients to this database for every single issue. No one likes customized answers, after all. It’s all about automation!
• I would begin referring to my services as “self-serve” any time a client below a certain fee level asked for additional attention or assistance. In fact, I would tout this as a key differentiator to my services compared with other, less popular and/or wonderful providers. Persistent questions would be met with persistent responses by me (or a fleet of mindless sales drones I’ve hired) directing questions to my growing database of canned “help” files.
• I would assign a team of people to my largest accounts and make sure that they stay happy and well-served. It’s in my best interest to grow the largest accounts, after all. It also serves the greater good because when big corporations are happy, everyone is happy! Therefore I would send all the big clients refrigerators, t-shirts, lava lamps, ipods, towels and other goodies covered with my logo (and my love).
• I would be very courteous and professional with people who complain about my new policies and would once again restate that they’re the ones who benefit from these changes in the end. After all, they’ll have a better business model and happier customers. They’ll be thanking me!!
• If my clients decide to take their business elsewhere, I would shake my head sadly but wouldn’t try to stop them. There’s always more clients, after all. Plus, I am ME and I own the market. The complainers would likely be just jealous of my success anyway.

In the words of the immortal Daffy Duck, “Consequences, schmonsequences, as long as I’m rich.”

Add comment October 26th, 2007